yeahhhh ill sort this later
August 15 2022/08/15

so today we got the results back for the autism diagnosis screenin stuff an WOW holy fuck ok. So pretty much we went in for an autism diagnosis and came out with:
Autism, OCD(was merged with the autism diagnosis), Major depressive disorder (MDD), Oppositional defiant (ODD), Conduct disorder (CD), "Concerning amount of Borderline features" and "Concerning amount of Schizophrenia features".

like jesus fuck ok it's not like i think it's a huge deal but that was just... a lot more than i was expecting from this!!

I already was diagnosed with OCD and ADHD-C but...???? where did the schizophrenia features even come from???

VENTING STARTING HERE tw umm i dont know whats normal and not so just assume theres always the chance of something fucked up happening here

anyway after getting diagnosed the reporter-person pointed out to my mom that there's a lot of suicidal ideation going on over here so right after the appointment ended it turned into my mom venting to me and questioning me on everything about MDD. She still says i'm being too sensitive for feeling bad when she told me "I'm sorry for giving birth to you" at 8 (the context was that our family has a lot of depression and mental illness so she said she shouldn't have given birth to us if we were going to be mentally ill). That's why I hate admitting i'm depressed because if i admit such a thing i get stuck at the age of 10 again when you were crying and sobbing to us about how it would've been better for us to not have been born!!! So much happened I don't remember anymore. I know my mom has good intentions with me but holy shit how do you fuck this up so bad. she loves me though and i love her though i dont but i do and i am bound here forever because she loves me. Elle's boyfriend told me my mom just loves me in a fucked up way. What the hell do you know?

I hate Elle and her boyfriend. I love Elle. I hate her and i love her and i recently flipped out so bad i blocked her on everything and stopped talking to her for some days. I know thats not good but if i didnt do it i would be lashing out at her going "I hate you!! I hate you so much why dont you love me instead!! I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you!!!"
things have calmed down a little bit in the past few days. I apologized for leaving suddenly and then i saw her and her boyfriend together again and got so jealous i flipped out again and blocked her again and almost told her boyfriend how much I hated him.
This August is a mess.