JULY 2022


hi! way too much has happened. i barely have my memory of the past 2 days and everything has just been like flickers its scary i cant grab onto my memories at all and when i try i feel like crying or i Just Cant (emotionally) do it. i try to grab on but i dont even know how to or where to grab i hate this. i dont even know if i want to figure out what was screamed to me this time.
i feel so insanely out of control everything is on impulse nothing feels like me (but doesn't feel like Azaiah or Noel either) but at the same time it is me its confusing
oh, right. Noel, i should talk about him. Noel's just there. my first main memory of what i think was him talking (in our head) was him saying, "can we get a tart?" and i think i asked "what's a tart?" and he said "a food" and i had to search up what a tart was because i had no idea what a tart was. we did not get a tart. i have never encountered a tart in real life myself i think. do i call him an alter? i don't know.
we are NOT a system or plural as far as im aware. is he an imaginary friend? but sometimes it feels like i don't control myself and some things are done by him. when im talking with other people irl, i'll catch myself saying things i didn't think myself or things that just weren't my words or my thoughts- when it happens i'll feel like every word spoken is an impulse and it's not me speaking or me moving, and i'm also pushed to the left side of my body again. the hand gestures become more expressive too, sometimes (they arent my gestures). but rather than taking up a half of the body, it's like i take up 90% but something else, a presence, also takes up 90% and we're overlapping. that's the best i can describe it this time. maybe its just regular depersonalization/derealization. i cant have anything like P-DID or any OSDDID i didnt go through that much or enough
i really dont know. its scary, everything because it feels like i am moving on impulses that aren't mine but are mine but different from me it's not me but it is me

my mind is a jumble theres always too much going on too many thoughts too many noises so much i cant tell what they are even saying
i was impulsive and made caden angry today. its my fault for being jealous of elle so easily when i saw that she said he(caden) was the closest color to green she knew, after we(me an elle) had been best friends for 4 years and i was always green. and she had always told me i was the green one and she always said i was the one she associated with green. i got really angry (i didnt yell at or tell anyone about it though) and blocked him on impulse and then unblocked him and he only noticed 8 hours after or so and now he's upset but hes not wrong for it
i cant talk to her about it because its ridiculous and she's going through some shit right now and all i do is get so stupidly jealous and everything hurts. he's always everything now. i used to be the green one and i used to be the one who loved pigs the most and i was the one who played minecraft with her for 4 years and i was the one she said she'd get so bored without me around and now he's the one who knows her best, (though i know that her favorite color was yellow from july to september of 2018 but now she thinks that she doesn't look good in yellow but she's actually always pretty to me, and that she prefers the left side and her favorite direction is east, and i was there for the first time she said the b word when we were 13, and she tends to spam her story more when she's bored and nobody's talking to her (or at least thats how it used to be), and she doesn't like thin clothing or thin hoodies because of the feeling) and he's the one who makes her happiest and he's the one she seeks comfort from now and he's the only one she feels understands her and he's the only one she feels comfortable with and
i just remembered something else
my mom was yelling at me yesterday about how nobody can ever feel comfortable around me and that this isn't her home because of me maybe she was right
i just wish i could scream and cry in a reasonable amount but i cant cry at all

ok! so! as we (whoever actually reads through my journal for some reason) all know, May was a shitshow!
I lived though! And then June came along, and it was not as much of a shitshow, so I should've been back right???
NOOOOOO I had finals. and now it is July and now it's artfight month so i will once again not be updating as much..!!! because im spending my entire day drawin!!
OH BY THE WAY I GOT ALL A+'s ON MY FINALS!!! 108% on A&P, either 98 or 100 on Math, 98% on History, idk for English but it say's A+, 98 or 100 for Biology, and A- for Spanish!!
by the way i kind of wanted to talk about the possibility of having P-DID. i am not against self diagnosis but for somethin as complex as this and dissociative identity disorders in general i am not one to just jump on or think i am able to assume this much on my own! but i will talk about whatever the hell is wrong with me though.
TW: child abuse mention and brief description i will censor in spoilers
you know that dreamworld thing i talked about for a while?? there's something else about it - the imaginary friend (Azaiah) i put in there wasn't new. nor did i exactly "make up" him and noel. they just kind of like.. flashed or flickered into my head at some point in my life sort of? and i just went with it and kept them. either way, it felt different from just making up some oc or something. Azaiah, as we will call him, was something/someone i had felt around for a long time from childhood to now.
whenever i dissociated i felt like half of a person on the left side of me, and then something or Azaiah would make up the right side of the body. thats the best way i could describe the feeling. i'd experience thoughts that didnt feel like mine and always referred to "me" as another person. "..What a pitiable child." "I hope the child's mother stops soon."
an this isn't somethin new!!! which is.. concerning!
but with the nature of P-DID, alters mostly only co-con while the host being frontstuck and usually in response to extreme emotional reactions. Azaiah doesn't talk much in general which makes it difficult for me to tell. and (assuming this has the possibility of being P-DID) when i experience Azaiah joining me in fronting(??), i can tell that some actions aren't exactly mine but at the same time they feel like me acting on impulse. i don't control them but at the same time they feel like mine, but not mine. i cant put it into words
of course i won't go indepth about child abuse but! i know i have experienced an unfortunate long-term amount of it and constantly doubt myself on it too because i can never remember what happens other than just knowing the fact that it did happen. i don't like the idea of having any dissociative disorder because yakno! it's!! not a good thing to have it..!!!!!!!! if you look through the description of P-DID and combined with other OSDDID stuff. I unfortunately experience exactly that. when actively triggered i dissociate like hell and begin to have part of me be not me like a seperate person that's Azaiah and feels like there's another presence and ururggghhh too much
it gets worse with the doubt!! I'm only 15 and everywhere i see 15 year olds are typically seen as fakers and not supposed to be aware of anything at that point. because it's a disorder that blocks out all of the trauma with switching yeah? that's what i see everywhere and it is not making me feel any more real!! assuming it's P-DID im always frontstuck it will only be greyouts and co-con, i have to know everything as it's always been!! Welcome to the information age yet I still don't know anything!!!!! and I can't find anyone else with P-DID and just ask them "Hey do you remember your trauma?" or other insanely personal questions, if i could even find anyone else with P-DID in the first place!! I mean I know what happened to me but at the same time i don't. nor can I explain without having to go in-depth on 15 years of something i don't remember. nothing makes sense i dont even want this im just afraid i just want to know what the hell is wrong with me i want to know if i'm real or if there's a name that proves im not lying. i dont want something to be wrong with me but there is and i dont like this
anyway the reason I think about this today is because! it happened today! dissociated like hell an the feeling that I call Azaiah came out and so did Noel at some point. I have no idea how the hell Noel's name got picked nor do i have the energy to explain his deal since it's 1 in the morning right now. this is just a huge thought jumble but i don't know it's just been stuck on my mind for months now
and then after the event ended, I just know the general of that it happened but no details or words and i can't know anything other than "flickers" or blurry moments of memories of it happening. But I don't panic and have a severe trigger reaction and oh ok nevermind I just remembered I had been wailing and sobbing my eyes out earlier today.
i don't want to be seen as faking i dont even want this disorder hell. that feels mean to say to Azaiah, just incase because it sounds like i dont like azaiah but i do like Azaiah but it's still not good to have this. i. dont think i went through enough to even develop anything you know? i mean. i went through a lot i think but i just feel weak admitting there's something wrong with me because of that.
if i think about it as someone else who went through what i did, i think- that's awful!! that's.. really not great. and then when it comes to me i think it's normal and fine and i am just weak. like who the hell can't handle emotional and verbal screaming abuse while being forcefed spoiled/actually rotting food??? NOBODY SHOULD HAVE TO HANDLE THAT!!!!!!! Except me!!!!
i think i might delete this later i cant tell if it's a good idea or not to talk or journal about this since it's 1 in the morning and i tend to make not great decisions at 1 in the morning so. goodnight