2022-04-11, 2022-04-15

when others vent to me, i tend to look down on them for allowing themselves to show or be affected that much. i sometimes wonder, what would other those people think if i began to tell them?
i don't say it, but when someone tells me about their family problems, i sometimes wish so strongly that i could shout at them, "my mother tries to strangle me! my mother tells me so much worse!"
when someone tells me about how their suicidal thoughts, i hate myself for it, but at times i don't want to listen because i sometimes begin to think, "how can i make you hear my own!"
when someone starts complaining to me of something i have never been allowed to cry about or let myself even feel, i want to tell them, "i hate you! you irritate me! why are you able to feel and cry for these emotions, while i am punished for it and never able to be seen!"

i want acknowledgement. not regular attention. i want to be acknowledged that i am just as miserable and empty and the same.
i don't know how else to phrase this. i want acknowledgement i want to be seen for once i want to be known
i want someone to know and tell me that i am stuck at the age of 12 in my head. know me. give me acknowledgement. give me praise give me attention and tell me you know me. tell me you really do and that you know i am just as willing to kill myself as the others.
tell me how much ive been hiding. tell me how much ive been rejecting my own emotions. give me acknowledgement that you see me too, that you know i am struggling too. that i have been unable to imagine myself alive past the age of 25 for months now as well.

for somebody who has never been acknowledged, who has never been given permission to feel sadness, i think this is a bit selfish for me.