A confession of some sort.
I cannot remember a lot. I know things happened, but I cannot remember experiencing or feeling them as myself. It's difficult to phrase.
I know I was there. But I dissociate so heavily during these times, and feels as though someone else is acting for me, or I am.
My mother yells. I was there for it. But I cannot remember anything other than it happened, and when it was happening, I was different.
I know I have issues with dissociating when things happen, but I feel a bit odd about this now that I realize, how I do not feel like "me" in those times, not just like out of it but directly "This isn't me".
Depersonalization? Derealization? I am there, though slightly different.
It feels like I am possessing the body of a child who is not me. But I am not the one possessing, but at the same time, it is myself. Just different.
I don't want to be making anything up. I am scared that I am.
She yells and says things. I am there, though heavily dissociating, and it feels as "I" am then different. Acting as myself. Disconnected from my own emotions, because in some way I begin to think and feel "This is not me. This is a child I just need to pretend to be, to protect them. So I have no reason to be upset by my mother, though I find myself thinking 'This mom sucks. Hope this kid does well.'" Except that kid is me.
I don't know how to describe it and I will keep trying until I get it.
While I dissociate, I still move. Still do everything. Not me but it is me. But different me who isn't "me".
I know everything that happens and I am there for it, but always at the end if I try to recall what happened, I can barely remember the details.
Since always as a child to now, I dissociate when my mom does whatever she does. I think it's how I dealt with it and being able to cope with it. I effectively got rid of the emotions because "It's not me". Everytime I talk to my mom and if she is angry again, I know that I talk to her. And then I cannot remember anything we talk about after.