A preface: I can barely remember anything from before the age of 12-13 about my home life other than the occasional sudden memory of what probably counts as emotional neglect or abuse according to others. I'm 15 now and 13 was only a few years ago. By barely, I mean I have 1 or 2 memories at most of each year. I know the things that happened over and over again repeatedly but I can't remember much of the specific events I just know that there were many.
Repeated things: Mom makes me choose between her or dad and yells at me if I choose dad or say I can't decide. Saying I make her miserable when I live with her. I prevent her from happiness. It is my fault she is depressed and unable to live. She's sorry for giving birth to me. She does it out of love. Everything she says and does is because she loves me and she's the only one capable of loving me. Nobody else can. Because she says love isn't a real thing and I'm stupid for even thinking about it.
I can't remember a lot but Aleca and everyone says it was the same as it is now. Mom and dad fought and got into screaming matches every day.
A lot of times I sat and sit in her room because she tells me I have to go upstairs because she wants to talk and then I stop being me and then I can't remember anything from the conversations other than the general facts mom loves me mom is angry mom is miserable because of me.
She vented to me about everyone in the family from middle of elementary school to end of middleschool (at least what i am aware of). Said I'm the only one who can listen to her and if I don't she will break down because she's human she gets mad at me a lot and says its because shes human and if i dont take it theres something wrong with me and that i expect her to be perfect too much that she has stress too and the only reason she explodes is because shes more stressed out but she doesnt like when i have emotions too and she yells at me and lectures me on how it hurts everyone when i do i dont know i cant remember
I forgot that she told me often about how much she hates my dad and my brother and me too i was her diary i cant remember anything anymore she used to often say my dad doesnt love me and shes the only one who actually cares about me
Frequently says me having a bad mood is like her and dad arguing its bad and makes her angry and upset and i dont know the words anymore
I forgot what she did but she didn't like it if I showed any emotion negative or intense positive ones she probably yelled
Mom said a lot she can't not love me but everything I do I make her hate me more and more but she still loves me and because she loves me she tells me everything and because she loves me she does everything and I can't remember what she says I don't know it's not good? If she finds out I say something and I was wrong she will be upset and call me something and she will cry and it will be my fault So i would rather just not say anything I can't remember because if i make a mistake i dont know i cant remember what she said last time i did
6th grade. I told mom the wrong amount of bread I ate. She started yelling at me for lying and she said she wanted to choke me and kill me often and i shouldve been grateful she has never laid a hand on me. It was my fault there's nothing mom hates more than children lying. She said she didn't do anything wrong she just says she hates children who are liars she cant stand them and she really wanted to kill me
5th grade. Mom broke down to me and started sobbing at me saying I can't be normal and shes sorry for giving birth to me and my brother because I have adhd and aleca is autistic and she shouldnt have ever given birth to me because. I can't remember anything else.
4th grade I think. I was annoyed at the time that mom got home and I didn't hide it well so she said something about she hates coming home just because I'm there and I have to be considerate that my emotions hurt everyone else and make everyone else miserable. I tried to sleep on the rug as an apology.
3rd grade maybe? I stayed up until 1 in the morning because my parents were screaming. It was regular but this time they were trying to get divorced and they made me choose between immediately leaving my mom and brother for Taiwan or staying with mom while dad moves to another country. When I said I wanted dad, mom yelled and screamed at me and called me ungrateful and something and more I can't remember I don't want to anymore.
CPS got called once or some grownups came, around 2nd grade I think. I don't really know. I forgot why or what happened. Mom yelled at me and was angry and then I can't remember. I'm not allowed to talk about her to people I still feel bad and like I am being watched if I mention her. Im probably wrong about CPS but someone figured something out from me and started talking to mom and mom got pissed at me for letting anyone know about her and i dont know dont remember
Incase I manage to get a therapist one day again, here's some side info for you to read:
My previous therapist was Billie Anderson-Pachulski, from some time in middleschool(?) to Janurary 2022. Mom convinced me to stop seeing her because mom is the only one who cares and should listen. Because if I really have anything wrong with me I should go to her. And she hates if I talk to anyone about her and I couldn't keep lying about what I was talking to billie about because mom started listening in because I had to do phone call appointments instead of going in anymore and mom would interrogate me after each appointment and say None of those things need to be talked about and if i said anything about her shewould yell and then I can't remember she would be upset
My forgetting about everything mom says was in a way that, Mom would start being angry and then I would immediately be severely out of it and kind of feel like not me, so that if it wasn't me then I didn't have to feel bad about what she said. But then right after I go back to normal I would not be able to remember things from the conversation I would know it happened and the general facts. Mom would yell at me and then if I had an appointment with billie I would not be able to tell her much other than "Mom got upset at me for x. I can't remember what happened" I have to force myself to repeat what mom says to be able to keep the vague memory of it after to tell billie.
My dad is nice. Dad loves me more kindly than how mom does. Mom cannot handle the idea that I might be depressed or have anything wrong with me because she said if I do it's her fault and shes awful for giving birth to me and if i admit anything she starts sobbing to me saying I shouldnt have been born. she has good intentions though. everything she says has a purpose and a reason
(At the moment) I cannot convince myself otherwise or anything against her loving me. She loves me and everything she does is because she loves me and so it is right. Though I know it is not right but to say that aloud or even type it admitting that I know that feels wrong