2022-05-25, 2022-05-28

I live pathetically through orders. I stay live because of a single order, "do not die until this certain time". So I am alive until then.
I live from order to order that keeps me alive. I want to be told, "you cannot die." I want to be told "I want you to live."
Tell me to die or tell me to live because I can't choose for myself.
Tell me to die and I would try again in an instant, tell me to live and though I would hate it, I would live.

A person who always says they want to die, a person who always says they can't stand to live, a person who fails every attempt, a person who is scared of dying.
A person who can't stand to live but isn't able to die either.

Dying alone is scary. I want to live, you know. So long as a Touma who treasures Elle and Raegan exists, I can forgive myself for even dying early and alone. Often, the only thing that keeps me wanting to go on is just the fact that I am her vassal, and it is my duty to be. All I need to do is act, and then it'd be fine, won't it? I live for her, so it's not my choice.
It's still unbearable living like this. Please tell me to live, just once, before I succeed. I want to be wanted.